Bones are real.

Fat is not. You are born with bones, fat is just an addition. 

Incognito

Imagine yourself;

dissected.

On each piece of your transparent body
 is written a label.
A description.
A secret.

What would they say?


Childhood sexual abuse survivor.

Broken hearted.

Former addict.

Former self harm junkie.

Bi-sexual.

Insecure.

Perfectionist.

Strange.

Lonely.

Terrified.

Hungry.

How many can you change?
 How many should be changed?
How many can you accept?


My eating disorder is a veil I wear to hide all of these labels. It’s the Indian throw over my tatty sofa. It’s the sunglasses over my bloodshot eyes. I hide from me. I hide from the world.

Some people grow a layer of fat to cushion themselves from the world. I enjoy making bones appear instead. Somewhat like a suit of armour.

I can be so free here because I’m incognito. Everything I write is true, except for my name.

So here I am. Labels exposed. I feel naked.

Diet.

Starting my diet again tomorrow.

cant. wait.

:3

Wubwubwub

I suck at this whole blog a day thing.

alot.

but I'm never on time for anything.

Been okay.

Lost four pounds. :3

happy but probably ruined it tonight

with a bowl of homemade chili...

and a pop tart.

but tomorrow is a new day. :)

and I'm hopeful for that.

Must. be. skinny. by Ohayocon.

Which is at the end of January...

Me: and the list.

I AM: 

[x] anorexic 
[] ednos  
[] bulimic  
[] living off diet pills  
[x] hungry  
[x] thirsty  
[] drinking something  
[] Under 100lbs  
[x] fasting/starving myself 

PEOPLE:  
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic  
[x] have called me fat 
[x] have said I’m skinny 
[x] have said I’m ugly  
[x] have said I’m pretty 
[x] spread rumors about me  
[x] force me to eat  
[] say I eat too much 
[] wish I’d eat more  
[] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos 

I WISH:  
[x] I was THIN  
[x] I had a better body  
[x] I could control myself  
[x] I was under 110lbs  
[x] I could avoid food  
[x] I could hide what I am  
[x] I wasn’t fat  
[x] I was pretty  
[] I could stop being anorexic/bulimic/ednos 

I LOVE: 
[x] feeling hungry  
[x] seeing a difference when fasting  
[x] shaking  
[x] feeling airy  
[x] losing weight  
[] being anorexic/bulimic/ednos 
[x] green tea  
[x] diet pills  
[x] being able to turn down food  
[x] feeling good about myself  

APPEARANCE: 
[x] I am shorter than 5’4 
[x] I have many scars  
[] I wish my hair was a different color 
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color 
[x] I have a tattoo 
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance 
[] I have/had braces  
[] I wear glasses  
[] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free  
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger  
[x] I have more than 2 piercings 
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears  
[] I have freckles 
FAMILY: 
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents 
[x] I’ve run away from home  
[x] I’ve been kicked out of the house  
[] My biological parents are together  
[] I have a sibling less than one year old  
[x] I want to have kids someday 
[] I’ve had children  
[] I’ve lost a child  
[x] I can’t have children (Not sure if I can or cant yet..)
RELATIONSHIPS: 
[] I’m single  
[] I’m in a relationship 
[] I’m engaged  
[] I’m married 
[x] I’ve gone on a blind date  
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper 
[x] I miss someone right now  
[x] I have a fear of abandonment  
[] I’ve cheated in a relationship  
[] I’ve gotten divorced  
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back 
[] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t 
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did  
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship 
[x] I’ve been ‘the other woman’ 
SEXUALITY:  
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex 
[x] I’ve had a crush on a teacher  
[] I am a cuddler 
[x] I’ve kissed in the rain 
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger  
[] I have kissed a stranger 

BAD TIMES: 
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol 
[] I regularly drink 
[] I can’t swallow pills 
[x] I can swallow numerous pills at a time without water 
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression 
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset 
[] I take anti-depressants 
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS 
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it  
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose 
[x] I’m addicted to self harm 
[x] I’ve attempted suicide 
[x] I’ve woken up crying  
[x] I’ve lost weight  
[x] I’ve gained weight  
[x] My weight holds me back  
[x] Weight consumes me  
[] I’m at my thinnest  
[] I’m at my biggest  
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off  
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back  
[x] My weight affects my mood  
[x] I weigh myself daily  
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me  
[] I thrive on compliments  
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size  
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry  
[x] I get depressed after I eat  
[x] I’ve skipped a meal  
[x] I’ve thrown food away  
[x] I’ve spit food out  
[x] I’ve fasted  
[x] I’ve taken diet pills  
[x] I’ve used laxatives  
[x] I’ve purged  
[x] I exercise  
[] I exercise so I can eat  
[] I work out secretly  
[] I work out daily  
[x] I’ve fainted from exhaustion  

I’ve done: 
[x] Weed  
[] Cigarettes  
[x] Alcohol  
[x] Diet pills  
[x] Pain killers  
[x] Sleeping pills 
[x] Anti-depressants  
[] Ecstasy  
[] LSD  
[x] Mushrooms  
[] Speed  
[] Cocaine  
[x] Other 

HABITS: 
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret  
[x] I look at thinspo  
[x] I count calories  
[x] I’ve had negative intake days  
[x] I avoid food  
[x] I hate food  
[x] I love food  
[x] I want to be this way  
[x] I don’t want to be like this  
[x] I wish I could have more control  
[] Being thin is my top priority  
[] I am in treatment  
[x] I’m doing this for me  
[x] I’m doing this for someone  
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself

and we're all just dirty little freaks.

Ended up working almost a 12 hour day

today.

it felt great - but left me crabby.

Still having boy troubles.

and huge ones at that.

double trouble I suppose...

Shit.

----------------

Food consumed:

lean cuisine - 320 calories

turkey sub - 410 calories.

Failure.

but tomorrow is a new day right?

Let the fast begin!

24 hours.

starts.

now.

Glitch.

Ps.

Due to a bad mood,

I shall be commenting on blogs

tomorrow.

Memories and the present.

I want to tell someone about what I'm doing 

to myself, so fucking much.

I hate feeling alone in this. 

But then I look in the mirror, I stop.

Because I'm too fat to have an eating disorder.

--------------

When my Dad was still around, he'd pop me on his

lap, and hold me... he would whisper "No one is perfect, Skylark." 

(his name for me)

and I would say, "But I want to be perfect, Daddy."

He would then respond, "And what's perfect?"

I would smile, "Skinny."

I was eight years old.

I flushed all my candy down

the toilet that day.

The toilet flooded. 

It was Halloween.

My best friend had called me

Fat.

-------------------------------

This tuna diet is killing me.

It's getting to the point where 

it's making me so nauseated to even

see a can.

I used to love tuna.

A can of tuna for lunch is only 120 calories

after all.

I keep my dinner around 300.

420 calories a day in food.

I most likely burn most of it off.

It works....

But tonight, I'm scared.

My Mother decided to make one of my favorites,

and it's been simmering all day, the smell

actually giving me a headache.

I bet I'll eat tonight.

I bet I'll eat dinner.

and then binge.

It's been so long since I binged.

Shoving anything and everything

into my mouth.

Then purging.

Locking myself away

from the world

as I spew vomit

as I can spew words on 

paper.

Ack.

I must do what 

 is needed to be done

to loose weight.

I starve, I puke,

and sometimes I cut -

because it's the only things

that I can do well.

and perfect.

my body is screaming FOOD.

 It's bad enough I allowed myself a hot 

chocolate today.

but I needed the sugar,

or else I would have fainted...

I have lost weight.

It gives me a high.

and I want to loose

more.

and more.

and more.

- Glitch.