Memories and the present.

I want to tell someone about what I'm doing 

to myself, so fucking much.

I hate feeling alone in this. 

But then I look in the mirror, I stop.

Because I'm too fat to have an eating disorder.

--------------

When my Dad was still around, he'd pop me on his

lap, and hold me... he would whisper "No one is perfect, Skylark." 

(his name for me)

and I would say, "But I want to be perfect, Daddy."

He would then respond, "And what's perfect?"

I would smile, "Skinny."

I was eight years old.

I flushed all my candy down

the toilet that day.

The toilet flooded. 

It was Halloween.

My best friend had called me

Fat.

-------------------------------

This tuna diet is killing me.

It's getting to the point where 

it's making me so nauseated to even

see a can.

I used to love tuna.

A can of tuna for lunch is only 120 calories

after all.

I keep my dinner around 300.

420 calories a day in food.

I most likely burn most of it off.

It works....

But tonight, I'm scared.

My Mother decided to make one of my favorites,

and it's been simmering all day, the smell

actually giving me a headache.

I bet I'll eat tonight.

I bet I'll eat dinner.

and then binge.

It's been so long since I binged.

Shoving anything and everything

into my mouth.

Then purging.

Locking myself away

from the world

as I spew vomit

as I can spew words on 

paper.

Ack.

I must do what 

 is needed to be done

to loose weight.

I starve, I puke,

and sometimes I cut -

because it's the only things

that I can do well.

and perfect.

my body is screaming FOOD.

 It's bad enough I allowed myself a hot 

chocolate today.

but I needed the sugar,

or else I would have fainted...

I have lost weight.

It gives me a high.

and I want to loose

more.

and more.

and more.

- Glitch.