Incognito

Imagine yourself;

dissected.

On each piece of your transparent body
 is written a label.
A description.
A secret.

What would they say?


Childhood sexual abuse survivor.

Broken hearted.

Former addict.

Former self harm junkie.

Bi-sexual.

Insecure.

Perfectionist.

Strange.

Lonely.

Terrified.

Hungry.

How many can you change?
 How many should be changed?
How many can you accept?


My eating disorder is a veil I wear to hide all of these labels. It’s the Indian throw over my tatty sofa. It’s the sunglasses over my bloodshot eyes. I hide from me. I hide from the world.

Some people grow a layer of fat to cushion themselves from the world. I enjoy making bones appear instead. Somewhat like a suit of armour.

I can be so free here because I’m incognito. Everything I write is true, except for my name.

So here I am. Labels exposed. I feel naked.

Diet.

Starting my diet again tomorrow.

cant. wait.

:3

Wubwubwub

I suck at this whole blog a day thing.

alot.

but I'm never on time for anything.

Been okay.

Lost four pounds. :3

happy but probably ruined it tonight

with a bowl of homemade chili...

and a pop tart.

but tomorrow is a new day. :)

and I'm hopeful for that.

Must. be. skinny. by Ohayocon.

Which is at the end of January...

Me: and the list.

I AM: 

[x] anorexic 
[] ednos  
[] bulimic  
[] living off diet pills  
[x] hungry  
[x] thirsty  
[] drinking something  
[] Under 100lbs  
[x] fasting/starving myself 

PEOPLE:  
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic  
[x] have called me fat 
[x] have said I’m skinny 
[x] have said I’m ugly  
[x] have said I’m pretty 
[x] spread rumors about me  
[x] force me to eat  
[] say I eat too much 
[] wish I’d eat more  
[] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos 

I WISH:  
[x] I was THIN  
[x] I had a better body  
[x] I could control myself  
[x] I was under 110lbs  
[x] I could avoid food  
[x] I could hide what I am  
[x] I wasn’t fat  
[x] I was pretty  
[] I could stop being anorexic/bulimic/ednos 

I LOVE: 
[x] feeling hungry  
[x] seeing a difference when fasting  
[x] shaking  
[x] feeling airy  
[x] losing weight  
[] being anorexic/bulimic/ednos 
[x] green tea  
[x] diet pills  
[x] being able to turn down food  
[x] feeling good about myself  

APPEARANCE: 
[x] I am shorter than 5’4 
[x] I have many scars  
[] I wish my hair was a different color 
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color 
[x] I have a tattoo 
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance 
[] I have/had braces  
[] I wear glasses  
[] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free  
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger  
[x] I have more than 2 piercings 
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears  
[] I have freckles 
FAMILY: 
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents 
[x] I’ve run away from home  
[x] I’ve been kicked out of the house  
[] My biological parents are together  
[] I have a sibling less than one year old  
[x] I want to have kids someday 
[] I’ve had children  
[] I’ve lost a child  
[x] I can’t have children (Not sure if I can or cant yet..)
RELATIONSHIPS: 
[] I’m single  
[] I’m in a relationship 
[] I’m engaged  
[] I’m married 
[x] I’ve gone on a blind date  
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper 
[x] I miss someone right now  
[x] I have a fear of abandonment  
[] I’ve cheated in a relationship  
[] I’ve gotten divorced  
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back 
[] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t 
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did  
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship 
[x] I’ve been ‘the other woman’ 
SEXUALITY:  
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex 
[x] I’ve had a crush on a teacher  
[] I am a cuddler 
[x] I’ve kissed in the rain 
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger  
[] I have kissed a stranger 

BAD TIMES: 
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol 
[] I regularly drink 
[] I can’t swallow pills 
[x] I can swallow numerous pills at a time without water 
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression 
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset 
[] I take anti-depressants 
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS 
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it  
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose 
[x] I’m addicted to self harm 
[x] I’ve attempted suicide 
[x] I’ve woken up crying  
[x] I’ve lost weight  
[x] I’ve gained weight  
[x] My weight holds me back  
[x] Weight consumes me  
[] I’m at my thinnest  
[] I’m at my biggest  
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off  
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back  
[x] My weight affects my mood  
[x] I weigh myself daily  
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me  
[] I thrive on compliments  
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size  
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry  
[x] I get depressed after I eat  
[x] I’ve skipped a meal  
[x] I’ve thrown food away  
[x] I’ve spit food out  
[x] I’ve fasted  
[x] I’ve taken diet pills  
[x] I’ve used laxatives  
[x] I’ve purged  
[x] I exercise  
[] I exercise so I can eat  
[] I work out secretly  
[] I work out daily  
[x] I’ve fainted from exhaustion  

I’ve done: 
[x] Weed  
[] Cigarettes  
[x] Alcohol  
[x] Diet pills  
[x] Pain killers  
[x] Sleeping pills 
[x] Anti-depressants  
[] Ecstasy  
[] LSD  
[x] Mushrooms  
[] Speed  
[] Cocaine  
[x] Other 

HABITS: 
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret  
[x] I look at thinspo  
[x] I count calories  
[x] I’ve had negative intake days  
[x] I avoid food  
[x] I hate food  
[x] I love food  
[x] I want to be this way  
[x] I don’t want to be like this  
[x] I wish I could have more control  
[] Being thin is my top priority  
[] I am in treatment  
[x] I’m doing this for me  
[x] I’m doing this for someone  
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself

and we're all just dirty little freaks.

Ended up working almost a 12 hour day

today.

it felt great - but left me crabby.

Still having boy troubles.

and huge ones at that.

double trouble I suppose...

Shit.

----------------

Food consumed:

lean cuisine - 320 calories

turkey sub - 410 calories.

Failure.

but tomorrow is a new day right?

Let the fast begin!

24 hours.

starts.

now.

Glitch.

Ps.

Due to a bad mood,

I shall be commenting on blogs

tomorrow.

Memories and the present.

I want to tell someone about what I'm doing 

to myself, so fucking much.

I hate feeling alone in this. 

But then I look in the mirror, I stop.

Because I'm too fat to have an eating disorder.

--------------

When my Dad was still around, he'd pop me on his

lap, and hold me... he would whisper "No one is perfect, Skylark." 

(his name for me)

and I would say, "But I want to be perfect, Daddy."

He would then respond, "And what's perfect?"

I would smile, "Skinny."

I was eight years old.

I flushed all my candy down

the toilet that day.

The toilet flooded. 

It was Halloween.

My best friend had called me

Fat.

-------------------------------

This tuna diet is killing me.

It's getting to the point where 

it's making me so nauseated to even

see a can.

I used to love tuna.

A can of tuna for lunch is only 120 calories

after all.

I keep my dinner around 300.

420 calories a day in food.

I most likely burn most of it off.

It works....

But tonight, I'm scared.

My Mother decided to make one of my favorites,

and it's been simmering all day, the smell

actually giving me a headache.

I bet I'll eat tonight.

I bet I'll eat dinner.

and then binge.

It's been so long since I binged.

Shoving anything and everything

into my mouth.

Then purging.

Locking myself away

from the world

as I spew vomit

as I can spew words on 

paper.

Ack.

I must do what 

 is needed to be done

to loose weight.

I starve, I puke,

and sometimes I cut -

because it's the only things

that I can do well.

and perfect.

my body is screaming FOOD.

 It's bad enough I allowed myself a hot 

chocolate today.

but I needed the sugar,

or else I would have fainted...

I have lost weight.

It gives me a high.

and I want to loose

more.

and more.

and more.

- Glitch.

Everything about you is so fucking addictive.

I've had my mind on sex a lot.

What I would do to feel him 

on top of me, around me, 

inside of me.

Which is of coarse totally

inappropriate but I'm not one

to deny feelings even 

sexual. 

Perhaps I'm too blunt.

Perhaps I'll scare him off.

Perhaps I won't.

This situation I'm in

is bizarre to say the least.

At a cross roads and trying not to hurt

anyone... but I know I will end up hurt 

no matter what.

Bitter sweet.

but they say that's what

dancers are in a way....

Bittersweet that is...

Always. 

It's pathetic, and by it's... I mean

myself.

How can you want something you can't have?

Want it so bad it's in your dreams, your day dreams,

your art.... your music....

Rhythmic moans and groans.

Imagining him with you....

in your bed.... Gentle Kisses mixed with

rough touches... strokes... and pulses. 

Gasps and intakes of breath,

almost like a rhythmic dance,

His moans... your music.

Baby, play those notes.

What I would do to take him into me,

hold him tight against me, feel his heart beat.

Teach him a whole new way of music....

one that involves bodies, love, and lust.

the need to move around to make sounds

that drum in your ears as your insides

explode....

Hear him say my name.

over and over as you cloud his head 

with emotions and need

and to feed

his desire

and my desire

to be engrossed in 

lyrical fire.

after all, the prettiest dresses

are worn to be taken off.

---------------------

Food intake today - under six hundred calories...

three more days of that,

then down to four hundred.

I'm not even hungry anymore.

I miss the hunger.

Bones...

where are you?

- Glitch.

Addicted to pain.

One day I will have a pet dinosaur.

and he will be made of bone.

----------------------------------------

It never seems to end.

I just want to be small.

So little that when I'm held.... arms

can be wrapped all around me....

holding tight....

So tight that I can feel

pressure around my rib cage.

sharp breaths..

 and secure.

Today I forgot about food because I decided

to let a needle attack my arm. When I feel pain,

food no longer matters to me... only the bliss of

the needle gently vibrating into my pale, paper,

skin...  I love pain. I adore it and it's

an addiction.

I was told it started when I was a child,

this love for pain. Standing outside in the winter 

in bare feet until I could no longer stand it...

Water that was too hot, standing beneath the shower

faucet watching the steam roll around me and listening

to my skin blister...

A few times letting a knife draw into my skin 

on my own whim, as if I was a god controlling

a situation that was out of my hands...

but it was bliss, feeling it run over my skin,

white heat that sent me into bliss..

that sent me into an addiction...

Pain.

But since I grew as the years

passed...

 I am addicted to pain not

caused by myself but by others.

tattoos like today. Piercings.

Though I am currently not sexually active.

I enjoy gentle sex. 

but I find myself day dreaming about

nails scratching deep into my back...

red lines telling a story about being claimed...

I believe that's where my love of starving started.

the pain... the need of having food but the 

idea of forcing myself not too...

hunger is the worst kind of pain.

It kills you from the inside...

and I love it.

Glitch.

when night greets day early.

It's so dark out already.

and I love it.

Something about this time of year

when the dark greets the light early,

gives me chills.

I also tend to eat less for some reason.

Though today was not one of those days

due to it being sunday and because

I have dinner with my family every sunday.

Food consumption today:

lean pocket: 280 calories

Salad- 100 calories

Half of a hamburger/no bun = ???

Ew.

^ My fat thighs. 

Forever touching.

Glitch.

inspiration for my legs:

one day. :)

Awake.

I lay down...

yet my eyes do not close.

I know I'll regret this in the morning.

At nighttime... when the lights are out,

when the stars shout to each other a crossed the damp

sky...

when the people in my house are sleeping, dreaming,

wanting, and content....

when only the hum of my laptop is the only

sound near....

I count.

I count the calories I had for the day...

even if just 200,

I want it to be less.

The word STARVE pops

into my hungry head.

and I make plans for the next day.

what will I eat?

when and how will I get rid of it?

Should I fast?

.....

A play inside of my head of dramatic acts,

too many scenes, and no intermission. 

No, My brain won't sleep tonight.

When this body falls asleep

it will still be awake...

counting.

planning. 

Something I want....

will always be something

I hate.

Story of my life.

- Good night,

Glitch.

Silly Girl.

I am like a five year old on crack when 

I go into the Disney store,

instead of a 22 year old girl that

just wants bones.

I forget about my eating disorder

when I see all of the toys, the memories,

and the glossy statues.

I'm five again. on a sugar rush.

and I'm happy...

^

got that little guy today....

and when I got home,

I bent over the toilet

and threw up what

I ate...

weird how a place can change you

and once you leave that

place you're back to being

the forbidden little girl

that you locked away 

in your closet....

the one that your parents see

sometimes hiding behind your eyes

until you shift and put your guard up again.

Damn Disney.

I did awful today.

I had four stuffed grape leaves.

a turkey sub.

pop.

the fries really screwed me up.

Tomorrow will be better.

:)

.Glitch.

Christmas music already? Really?

work .work. work.

Many people hate it. 

I love it.

I am on my feet all day

running around, getting this

getting that. 

Click. click. Click.

on the floor.

I adore it.

If it was not for my job,

I would be obese. 

I have lost a total of 40 pounds

since I started this job.

I do have a tumblr.

follow it.

clickity click here.

:3 

Rice and tuna today.

120+120 = 240

Coca cola zero = 0

net: 240.

Troubles that manifest

My day:

Oh.

And.

Boys suck. 

I have probably had boy troubles for 

most of my life.

Whether it was my Father back when

or significant others now.

It just never seems to fail.

Perhaps that's where this steamed from.

Those troubles manifested themselves

into controlling what I eat...

The boy I am "with" now,

he just does not seem to understand

the concept of having a girlfriend.
nor does he understand me.
nor does he like fat girls.
It's sad.
He triggered this...
my relapse.
Should I tell him?
No.
because then he will want to fix me.
because then he will want to be close.
I do not want that with him.

Strange boys.

Anyways,

I happened crossed this tea today

in China Town.

The lady that owned the shop said it had

weight loss supplements in it that actually

works.

If he was not with me,

I would have gotten it.

I must go back and purchase it.

Now that's for definite.

Will be commenting on blogs tomorrow Ladies. :3

However, I did read them. <3 

Glitch.